Airline Safety

Security: Excuse me. Do you have any keys or money in your pockets?

Passenger: No. No. I think I’ve taken everything out.

Security: Okay. Go ahead and walk through the body scanner.

Passenger: Will I feel anything?

Security: No sir. Just walk through and keep your hands in the air.

Passenger: Okay, huh?

[ Security alarm goes off . . . ]

Security: We need to do some additional screening. Sorry, sir. Please come this way. [What? Did I . . . Did you find something?] Relax sir. Okay? I’m going to open your carry-on bag. As I’m going through it, please do not try to touch it. [Okay.] Let’s see now. Hmmm. First of all, sir, you can’t take any liquids like this bottled water past this point.

Passenger: Ah. Well, I really can’t drink any other kind of water. Sierra Springs is the only bottled water I drink.

Security: Sorry sir. [Ah . . . ] And, sir. What’s this? [What?] No, sir, you cannot bring a lighter on the plane.

Passenger: But I don’t smoke. I mean . . . [You STILL can’t bring it on the plane.] But I have it just in case of emergencies. You know, as an emergency fire starter in case the plane crashes into a dark forest.

Security: Sir. You’ll have to leave that here. What’s this?

Passenger: Well . . .Oh. That’s my pocket knife.

Security: A pocket knife? It’s almost a foot long!

Passenger: Well, it’s a special knife given to me by my grandfather, but I only use it to peel apples and fruit. You know . . . . Things like that.

Security: Sir. I’m sorry, but you can’t take that on the plane. In fact, do you have any other prohibited items in your bag? [Well, I don’t . . .] I mean, didn’t you read the sign back there explaining all of the items that were not allowed on board?

Passenger: Well, I started to read it, and I then got a little distracted.

Security: A little? Sir. How many times have you flown on an airplane?

Passenger: Uh, it has been a while. I think the last time I traveled by plane was about, uh, 1960 . . .

Security: Sir. Why don’t you come with me? [WHAT?] I think my supervisor would like to ask you a few questions.

Passenger: Oh, no!